You Know You’re From London When …
You say “the city” and expect everyone to know which one.
You have never been to The Tower or Madame Tussauds but love Brighton.
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Shepherds Bush to Elephant & Castle at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can’t find Dorset on a map.
Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
You step over people who collapse on the tube.
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
You’ve considered stabbing someone.
Your door has more than three locks.
Your favourite movie has Hugh Grant in it.
You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
You call an 8′ x 10′ plot of patchy grass a garden.
You know where Karl Marx is buried.
You consider Essex the “countryside”
You think Hyde Park is “nature.”
You’re paying £1,200 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in wardrobe and you think it’s a “bargain.”
Shopping in suburban supermarkets and shopping malls gives you a severe attack of agoraphobia.
You’ve been to Tooting twice and got hopelessly lost both times.
You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the UK pay in rent.
You haven’t seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went camping as a kid.
You own hiking boots and a 4WD vehicle, neither of which have ever touched dirt.
You haven’t heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you.
You pay £3 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p.
You actually take fashion seriously.
Being truly alone makes you nervous.
You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
The UK west of Heathrow is still theoretical to you.
You’re suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
You haven’t cooked a meal since helping mum last Christmas with the turkey.
Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
£50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
You have a minimum of five “worst cab ride ever” stories.
You don’t hear sirens anymore.
You’ve mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city’s air quality and what it’s doing to your lungs.
You live in a building with a larger population than most towns.
Your cleaner is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your landlord is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favourite bartender is Irish, your favourite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsagent is Indian and your favourite falafel guy is Egyptian.
You wouldn’t want to live anywhere else until you get married.
You say ‘mate’ constantly
Anyone not from London is a ‘wanker’
Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a ‘Northern Wanker’
You have no idea where the North is.
You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.
The countryside makes you nervous
Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.
You talk in postcodes. “God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day”
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from London.
You Know You’re From Toronto When…
A really great parking spot can move you to tears.
You can recommend about 3 good body piercing parlours.
You make well over $100,000 and you still can’t find a nice place to live.
You realize there are far more rainbow flags in the city than Canadian Flags.
When the temperature rises above zero degrees, you yell “Woohooo! Patio weather!”
You enjoy watching channel 47 multicultural TV
You’re guaranteed to know at least one person on every episode of Speaker’s Corner.
You haven’t been to the CN Tower since you were six, but still have nightmares about that damn turbo elevator.
You’ve had at least 3 bicycles stolen in the past 10 years.
You’ve partied with at least one of the members of The Kids in the Hall
You’ve fantasized about having sex in Casa Loma
At least 3 of your friends have moved to Vancouver
You turn your nose up at any establishment frequented by the S&M crowd. (Scarborough and Mississauga)
You never, never, never swim in the lake
You know “The Beaches” are really called “The Beach”, but still say “The Beaches” just to annoy all the nitwits who live there
You ever had a birthday party at the Organ Grinder or The Mad Hatter
You can say “world’s tallest freestanding structure” ten times fast
You know the correct answer to “Where do shopping carts go to die?” is “The Don River”
You speak better Chinese than French
The word “cabbagetown” doesn’t strike you as particularily amusing
Castle Frank subway station remains one of the great mysteries of the universe for you.
You know what the bathrooms in the First Canadian Place are REALLY for
You don’t know where Fort York is, but have a vague recollection of being there in a past life
You know the Demic’s song “I Wanna Go To New York City” was intended as sarcasm, not a weekend getaway suggestion
You know where to find Dim Sum, Sushi, Curry, Pad Thai and a dildo at 3 am on a weeknight
For the last time, it’s pronounced ‘TRONNA’!
You consider eye contact a sign of hostility and an invasion of your privacy.
It takes you half an hour to get to work by TTC and you are the envy of all your friends.
You mourned the death of the Spadina Bus.
You know someone who went to high school with at least one member of The Barenaked Ladies or RUSH
You laugh heartily at people who refer to highway four hundred and one.
You’ve taken the vomit comit.
You can manuver your bike across Queen st. without getting caught in the streetcar tracks.
You know the difference between souvlaki, moussaka and spanakopita.
You can name at least three locations of The Beer Store that are open till 11 PM.
You have NEVER been to the Hard Rock Cafe
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Toronto.